September and October have actually been quite bright weather-wise … but, as I’ve been sat in a deep dark hole for the main part I’ve really not appreciated it. I’ve not taken the time to trudge through the autumn leaves or smell the coffee this past couple of months as my family and my lack of sanity have become a full-time job. Fact is if I haven’t been dashing about here, there and everywhere or juggling balls thrown at me with velocity, then I’ve been found rocking in a corner screaming and a wailing .. Halloween couldn’t have been better timed!
One thing I will say is I’ve had to open my eyes and have asked for help – shocker! Turns out I was struggling with Clinical Depression and I’m not afraid to admit it .. it would seem that losing my Mum, dealing with my Dad’s Mixed Dementia, as well as being primary carer for a child with profound special needs, and dragging up the other two, in addition to the onslaught of middle age and the medical complications that come with, has a knock on effect for a (former) perfectionist do-er like me!
I took myself off social media, stopped blogging (due to lack of time, energy and motivation) and battled a nasty bout of Bronchitis and an even nastier bout of depression. I cried a lot of really ugly, face contorting tears, then I slapped myself hard and sought help. My doctor has been AMAZING (good old NHS at it’s best), I’ve also had counselling and attended a 6-week Stress Management Course. Unfortunately for me my depression isn’t just psychological – it’s very real and,as my doctor kindly pointed out, it’s a curse of the strong and how I haven’t given into it before now is a testament to my strength, but in the grand scheme of things has had a profound effect on my sanity. Lucky for me, at a time when I start to wrestle with the big black dog, mental health issues have become far less of a social taboo and are starting to get the recognition and support that they deserve. All the more reason for listening to your body, learning to love yourself and asking for help from family and friends.
I’ve had Carole King’s song in my head for most of the month,https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GbKE0gJETA0 initially as a negative, but then I believe with a little more clarity this became more uplifting. Carole King was such a talent, a beautiful soul, and I can remember dancing around the kitchen to this song with my lovely Mum.
Here’s to learning to cope and to love myself! x